Forums Archive Index > General Chat > Automtive Industry Predictions for 2006
Date: 30 Dec 2005 10:54 am
A psychic in Toronto has made the following predictions for the coming year:
1. DaimlerChrysler successfully sues General Motors for plagiarism vis-a-vis the Chevrolet HHR, which -- inside and out -- is determined by a jury to be a virtual clone of the PT Cruiser.
2. The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission enacts strict new guidelines for TV advertisements featuring vehicles. In a nutshell, the CRTC decrees that cars and SUVs can no longer be shown performing ludicrous stunts in closed-course conditions with professional drivers.
Canada's advertising agency community -- now unable to depict vehicles going airborne, driving through a metre of water or slaloming between dangerous obstacles -- is struck with creative paralysis lasting for almost the entire year.
3. Thanks to just about every moniker under the sun being trademarked, Ford is stymied in carrying out its ongoing mission of having all its car names begin with the letter F and all its SUVs having names that begin with the letter E. As a result, new Ford car and SUV models begin donning names that are extremely dubious (Ford Fiasco, Ford Ex-Wife). Furthermore, pony car enthusiasts react with outrage when Ford announces it plans to change the name of the Mustang to the Funstang in order to maintain brand consistency.
4. DaimlerChrysler is alarmed to discover that more than 50% of Dodge Chargers sold south of the Mason-Dixon Line are spray-painted orange. As well, owners also affix a "01" decal to the vehicles' front doors.
5. Best new option of 2006: As gridlock continues unabated, several auto manufacturers begin offering vehicles with in-dash microwave ovens so that breakfast can be zapped while en route to work, while dinner can be warmed up on the way home.
6. Worst option of 2006: scratch 'n' sniff dashboards (as a means of doing away with those little pine tree air fresheners).
7. Citing "just for laughs," Nissan announces it is changing its name back to Datsun.
8. Absent for decades, hood ornaments make a comeback in 2006. The most popular ornament is a miniaturized T.J. Hooker action figure clinging on to the car's hood for dear life. Another popular mascot -- and a reflection of the road rage times we live in -- is a life-sized human hand brandishing a raised middle finger.
9. Toronto's Emergency Task Force is called in when uber-wuss Canadian Tire Guy loses it thanks to his Mastercraft LugNut 3000 failing to seamlessly remove rusted-out wheel nuts on his Dodge Coronet. After screaming, "Oh, fudge!" Canadian Tire Guy goes on a rampage, impaling friends and family members with a wide variety of Mastercraft implements. The incident, caught on film and mistakenly aired as a Canadian Tire ad, results in Canadian Tire Guy enjoying a double-digit increase in popularity.
10. Chrysler's "You Could be a Millionaire" promotion somewhat backfires when the lucky winner immediately replaces his three-week-old Dodge 2.0SX with a BMW 7 Series.
11. Chrysler announces it will postpone the development of its latest retro car, the 2007 Cordoba, when pitchman Ricardo Montalban holds out for more money. Complicating matters, it is later discovered there is a global shortage of Corinthian leather.
12. Failing yet again to unionize workers at Ontario's Honda and Toyota car assembly plants, the Canadian Auto Workers attempts to organize crash test dummies instead. In a close vote, the dummies turn down the CAW.
13. Kia inexplicably rolls out a lineup of vehicles based on characters from the Planet of the Apes movie series (including the General Zia SUV and the Cornelius Coupe). Nobody gets it and few sell. Kia later blames the branding fiasco on something being "lost in translation" and resorts to a new lineup of cars and SUVs named after Lord of the Rings characters. (Those models also fail miserably.)
14. In a bid to lower the average mean age of its car buyers, Buick reconfigures its vehicles so that they will no longer accommodate landau roofs. The strategy pays off as the average Buick driver age plunges from "six feet under" to merely "one foot in the grave."
Enjoy.