Forums Archive Index > General Chat > Blonde Joke thread

Author: Marshall

Date: 16 Sep 2005 7:26 pm

Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to
the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always just put in $10 worth." :shock:

Author: Highwind

Date: 17 Sep 2005 11:25 am

There was a blond who walked into a store. She went up to a clerk and said "I want that tv in the window, " The Clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell stuff to dumb blondes."

The next day the blond came back into the same store, but with a brown wig on. She went up to the same clerk and said "I'd like to see that tv in the window please." The clerk said, "Sorry, I don't sell stuff to dumb blondes." "How did you know I was blonde?!?!"she shouted. "Because I can tell" the clerk replied as the blonde stomped out of the store.

The next day, the blonde returned to the same store once again. This time she dressed in all black clothes, put on fake piercings, and wore a black wig. She went up to the same clerk she had seen in the past two days and said " I was interested in buying that tv in the window, could you get it for me?" The clerk said for the third time, " I do not sell stuff to dumb blondes, sorry."

The blonde ripped off her wig and shouted, "But how did you know?!?!?" The Clerk answered "Because that isn't a tv, it's a microwave."

Author: Highwind

Date: 17 Sep 2005 11:41 am

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This goes in front"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door to their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door opened, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top's down!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday

Author: MissSnowshoveler

Date: 19 Sep 2005 6:52 am

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
?I?m having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough there is his brother, totally naked,
cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard", says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids."

Author: MissSnowshoveler

Date: 19 Sep 2005 6:59 am

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his
head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Winnipeg and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" :shock:

Author: Marshall

Date: 19 Sep 2005 7:36 am

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?". The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blond and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your left is a blond, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Author: MissSnowshoveler

Date: 19 Sep 2005 7:46 am

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Author: MissSnowshoveler

Date: 19 Sep 2005 7:51 am

The 7 degrees of blondness
1st Degree - A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is
clear."
2nd Degree - Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands it to the second blonde.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd Degree - A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th Degree - A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."
5th Degree - What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
6th Degree - A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage
without a scratch.
"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
?Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air
freshener swinging back and forth."
7th Degree - Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Author: mrmom
Subject: Football FINALLY makes sense..........

Date: 21 Sep 2005 7:36 am

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especiallythe tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the
quarter back!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It s only 25 cents!!!! :roll:

Author: MissSnowshoveler

Date: 21 Sep 2005 8:36 am

A Blonde's Dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who has acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs that?"
"Helloooooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Sherri

Author: Marshall

Date: 21 Sep 2005 1:55 pm

LOL :D

Author: MissSnowshoveler

Date: 22 Sep 2005 12:55 pm

A blonde is driving home and gets caught in a really bad hail storm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop. The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents will just pop out.
The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing in the tail pipe.
Nothing happens. So she blows a little harder, and still nothing happens. Her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"
The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?"

Author: MissSnowshoveler

Date: 22 Sep 2005 1:05 pm

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the bus again!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on ! or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is
going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers." (Loose change for brains maybe???)
FINALLY..... THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have
kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M.
Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed. Inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your money! I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

Author: Highwind

Date: 25 Sep 2005 12:48 pm

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."

Author: Highwind

Date: 25 Sep 2005 12:56 pm

To determine the source of an internal ailment, a young blonde had to undergo a battery of diagnostic tests.
All was going fine until he was given a form to sign which stated that one out of 10,000 people had a violent allergic reaction to one of the tests.

Obviously very concerned, she asked the doctor, "What number are they on now?"

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Q. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
A. Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!

Author: MissSnowshoveler

Date: 5 Oct 2005 1:03 pm

JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER...

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Author: Highwind

Date: 22 Dec 2005 7:37 am

There is a blond driving through the country.
She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry.
She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
Farmer says ok.
She quickly counts them and says "91!"
The farmer looks around puzzeledly and says "Ok. Take one."
When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Author: Termy

Date: 22 Dec 2005 5:35 pm

I am tired of the every day Blonde jokes, why can't we have Red Head jokes. :wink: :lol:

Author: snowshoveler

Date: 22 Dec 2005 5:43 pm

you really want to have Paula mad at you.
she is either redhead or noepolitan.
take your pic.
i was pretty sure on the redhead but now im thinkin she is three flavors.
chris